moody, broody, sad, weird

Ramblings of a mad irishwoman

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The Battle
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina

Astride my Courage, I face this old battle once again…. over the vast plain of my conscience…

I face Doubt, much like an overhanging shadow and armor black as pitch. Despair with its long fingers and serpentine form, old foes to be beaten back once again.

My armor still fits but weighs heavy on me… my sword is rusted, my shield dented, their smooth handles as familiar to me as my closest friends. 

 

 

But this is a battle I face alone and nobody can help or save me.

My heart is the beating of my war drum…my Courage shifts slightly… I grip the reins tighter, praying it won't fail me. Thump thump….

 

 

The winds move slightly……I grip my sword……a crow flies over and away…..

 

Doubt makes a forward move to crush my Confidence and I spur my Courage into running full sprint amid a full battle cry from me… a roar of defiance…anger spilling from me like the lifeblood ether I plan to take from him….

 

 

My sword swings and cuts off his clawed hand, acid blood stinging my face in hot drops. He roars and I swing again, glancing off the neck and slicing his face, more blood etching the ground. I circle and back away as he flails…. I see my Confidence is wounded, crawling away…. leaving trails of white ether.

 

 

I wipe the black drops from my face and charge again…. Doubt swings and I duck his mace…. I jam my sword into a kink in his armor at the knee…….  He roars again and I ride off… he can't keep it up forever.  

 

 

I grab a spear and charge in again…. Doubt backhands and I don't see soon enough…. I fall off my Courage and Despair slinks in, holding me fast in falling…

 

 

"It's useless to fight, you're just failing again like you always have…..don't bother, you're not going to win…you never win…" Despair whispers in my ear. The voice scratches my armor, grinds down my will like sandpaper………

 

I lay back in its cold embrace as Doubt looms over me again, leering through broken teeth and sliced flesh…

 

 

"No.." I whisper in disbelief, exhaustion overtaking me in the heavy armor and cold tears sliding down my cheeks, Doubt's heavy hand gripping my heart and stilling my drum.

 

 

"You never win, you're just a failure… you'll never do anything or amount to anything of worth…never.." hisses Doubt. "Never.." whispers Despair.

 

 

I close my eyes again and think… Never…ever…an eternity in this moment passes.

I open my eyes again. Never…. Thump….t h u m p….

 

 

"Never…" I whisper to myself, in unison with them. 

"Never" they both say.

 

 

I take a deep breath, disengaging the black hand that stilled the drum….

Thump thump…

 

 

"NEVER!!!" I roar, fighting my way out of the serpentine coils, grabbing the spear and stabbing every one I can find.

Despair shrieks and recoils….. Doubt roars and swings at me again. I duck, see my sword and pull it from his knee, severing a tendon in the process…he roars again and  limps away.

 

 

"Not again!  NEVER!  I AM NEVER GIVING IN AGAIN!!!" I run to my Courage and jump astride.   "NEVER!!!"

 

I see my Confidence holding my banner high… no longer dripping ether….. I look around…the winds have shifted and in the distance I see Hope. I am renewed in the bright rays.

 

 

I charge again at Doubt and take out the wounded knee, finally felling him and I leap off Courage and stand on the massive breastplate, planting the tip of my sword at his neck.

 

 

"Can you really do this? You can't, can you? I'm a part of you and you can't kill me any more than you can kill yourself." I look into the dark eyes and see me looking back…… it is me in the dark pools…

 

 

I hesitate…How long?….. How long before I must face myself again…fight myself again…and again…..

 

 

"You can't.." he hisses.

I take another breath as my drum beats faster. 

 

 

"I can."   I jam the blade upward, the tip scraping the inside of his skull…lifeblood pouring out and burning the ground as I twist the blade so the wound doesn't close.

He dies, choking.

 

 

Despair has fled to the shadowy recesses….. Courage is standing by in comforting presence….. Confidence stands holding my banner as it flaps gently on the new winds of Hope, smiling in the distance… I have won for now.

 

 

I am on my feet.  I am tall.

I live.


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