moody, broody, sad, weird

Ramblings of a mad irishwoman

Random things

Been a while.
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina
Good grief, I have been remiss in my writing.  Far too much has happened in the last year or so to relay it all in one simple blog post.

I was adopted against my will by a small black kitten at the end of May.  She has been very good for me in the way of not allowing me to feel so depressed, especially when I'm asleep on the couch and she is licking my nose.  [AWWWWW!!]

My apartment was broken into while I was at home, but I roared at the guy and scared him off while I had a sword in my hand.  That was some excitement that I have NO desire to repeat.

After a 5 month stint with a diabetes company, I was laid off once more but this time I do have unemployment coming in to cover the bills, which is nice.  I gave up on one friendship and left it, then kicked another person out of my life.

I got back into the dating scene and hooked up with a rigging artist out of Culver City who is currently training me how to knife-fight.  He says I'm learning it very quickly, but I have a tendency to be too hard on myself and end up over-compensating while practicing.  About the only good thing about that is my strikes will be very effective.
He's turned out to be an absolute gentleman and he's really good for me.  He understands me quite well and appreciates and loves me all the same.

I have also launched myself headfirst into my spiritual studies.  Sometime in the next few months I'll go through initiation and become a full fledged witch.

I hate being unemployed
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina
Yep, looking for a job... again.  Hate doing it.

But--the fear of failure is a great motivator.  I'm insanely productive.

I think I'll go into tattooing for a career.....

(no subject)
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina
I BURIED SPLINTERED DREAMS IN SILVERED SANDS MADE FROM FRUSTRATED TEARS,

BROKE MY WILL AND EGO TO FIT INTO THE CAN'T BOX TO MAKE YOU HAPPY

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH ME NOW?


[Sorry about the caps.  I copy/pasted from an email.  No, this isn't directed at anybody specific; this is merely a simple reaction to past memories of certain patterns I used to do.]

The Battle
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina

Astride my Courage, I face this old battle once again…. over the vast plain of my conscience…

I face Doubt, much like an overhanging shadow and armor black as pitch. Despair with its long fingers and serpentine form, old foes to be beaten back once again.

My armor still fits but weighs heavy on me… my sword is rusted, my shield dented, their smooth handles as familiar to me as my closest friends. 

 

 

But this is a battle I face alone and nobody can help or save me.

My heart is the beating of my war drum…my Courage shifts slightly… I grip the reins tighter, praying it won't fail me. Thump thump….

 

 

The winds move slightly……I grip my sword……a crow flies over and away…..

 

Doubt makes a forward move to crush my Confidence and I spur my Courage into running full sprint amid a full battle cry from me… a roar of defiance…anger spilling from me like the lifeblood ether I plan to take from him….

 

 

My sword swings and cuts off his clawed hand, acid blood stinging my face in hot drops. He roars and I swing again, glancing off the neck and slicing his face, more blood etching the ground. I circle and back away as he flails…. I see my Confidence is wounded, crawling away…. leaving trails of white ether.

 

 

I wipe the black drops from my face and charge again…. Doubt swings and I duck his mace…. I jam my sword into a kink in his armor at the knee…….  He roars again and I ride off… he can't keep it up forever.  

 

 

I grab a spear and charge in again…. Doubt backhands and I don't see soon enough…. I fall off my Courage and Despair slinks in, holding me fast in falling…

 

 

"It's useless to fight, you're just failing again like you always have…..don't bother, you're not going to win…you never win…" Despair whispers in my ear. The voice scratches my armor, grinds down my will like sandpaper………

 

I lay back in its cold embrace as Doubt looms over me again, leering through broken teeth and sliced flesh…

 

 

"No.." I whisper in disbelief, exhaustion overtaking me in the heavy armor and cold tears sliding down my cheeks, Doubt's heavy hand gripping my heart and stilling my drum.

 

 

"You never win, you're just a failure… you'll never do anything or amount to anything of worth…never.." hisses Doubt. "Never.." whispers Despair.

 

 

I close my eyes again and think… Never…ever…an eternity in this moment passes.

I open my eyes again. Never…. Thump….t h u m p….

 

 

"Never…" I whisper to myself, in unison with them. 

"Never" they both say.

 

 

I take a deep breath, disengaging the black hand that stilled the drum….

Thump thump…

 

 

"NEVER!!!" I roar, fighting my way out of the serpentine coils, grabbing the spear and stabbing every one I can find.

Despair shrieks and recoils….. Doubt roars and swings at me again. I duck, see my sword and pull it from his knee, severing a tendon in the process…he roars again and  limps away.

 

 

"Not again!  NEVER!  I AM NEVER GIVING IN AGAIN!!!" I run to my Courage and jump astride.   "NEVER!!!"

 

I see my Confidence holding my banner high… no longer dripping ether….. I look around…the winds have shifted and in the distance I see Hope. I am renewed in the bright rays.

 

 

I charge again at Doubt and take out the wounded knee, finally felling him and I leap off Courage and stand on the massive breastplate, planting the tip of my sword at his neck.

 

 

"Can you really do this? You can't, can you? I'm a part of you and you can't kill me any more than you can kill yourself." I look into the dark eyes and see me looking back…… it is me in the dark pools…

 

 

I hesitate…How long?….. How long before I must face myself again…fight myself again…and again…..

 

 

"You can't.." he hisses.

I take another breath as my drum beats faster. 

 

 

"I can."   I jam the blade upward, the tip scraping the inside of his skull…lifeblood pouring out and burning the ground as I twist the blade so the wound doesn't close.

He dies, choking.

 

 

Despair has fled to the shadowy recesses….. Courage is standing by in comforting presence….. Confidence stands holding my banner as it flaps gently on the new winds of Hope, smiling in the distance… I have won for now.

 

 

I am on my feet.  I am tall.

I live.


[cue Indiana Jones theme music]
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina

This week so far has been an adventure.  Wed I got my buddy and coworker Jason up to the studio to help move boxes.  I also donated the large red cabinet in my studio because I just had no room for it.  

Thursday was the other part of moving into the new apartment.  This time it was moving MY stuff out of my studio into the new place, predominately furniture.  [Oh joy.....]  I had emailed my dad on tuesday night, asking if it was cool if he could help me out with moving my furniture into the new place on Thu.  He emailed back, saying of course and could I please call him on Wed to firm up the time.  Ok, fine.

So, Eric and I get to the studio just after 10 after I had left a message on dad’s phone the night before to meet us there at noon.  I packed up the remaining stuff, unplugged the computer, disconnected everything else I could think of and generally made an awful racket between throwing stuff in boxes and periodically snarling at something that went wrong....like dropping something in the wrong place. 
I called my dad at noon because he wasn’t there yet.... and normally he’s quite punctual.

We wait 15 minutes.......20 minutes....... by now pretty much everything is done....... 30 minutes.... ok this is getting kinda weird........40 minutes....... ok, if he’s not here by 1, we’re gonna leave and I’ll try again Sunday.

  I went back to lock the door so we could leave and lo and behold Dad calls, saying he’d gotten his days mixed up and thought thursday was wednesday and sorry he forgot and could we wait until he got there..... [sigh]  Oh well, crap happens.

   Thankfully he’s got a work rack on top of his truck so we were able to load EVERYTHING in one go, including the bookshelves, hope chest, end table and bike.  WOOT!  It was kinda fun climbing all over it and tying rope all over everything.  I nearly bashed my head on the rack, but I had enough sense to not stand up too quick, so no harm, no foul.  [because concussions are bad, mmmkay?]

   We meandered upwards on the 405 up to the interchange on the 101 and even though traffic was congested, it was still moving.  [However I have come to the conclusion that NO time is a good time to be on the north 405 unless it’s after midnight.]

   Anyway, we got everything unloaded with a minimum of fuss and I got the bird in with no problem.  Dad had to go move his truck but he got locked outside and forgot his phone, so he was stuck outside for probably 15 minutes or so.  I figured that out when I went to throw out the spare microwave and saw him outside, wondering when someone was going to open the door. 

   To kill some time for the traffic to die down a bit, we grabbed dinner at Arby’s and had a pretty good time cavorting about random stuff like Tom Lehrer and why discussing organized religion was like shooting fish in a barrel. 

SO---all that is done!  The only thing left is to clean up the studio and call Goodwill to pick up my twin bed. 


Alexis & Eric's Excellent Adventure
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina
 Sunday March 23rd-- I wake up at 4am, expecting Eric to call me at 5 saying that he was in town and could I meet him out front.  Nada at that time.
I called him at 5:30am, wondering where he was.  He calls back 2 minutes later, saying he was running late due to the truck running slower than molasses in January.  He arrives approximately just before 7am, picks me up and we head up to Reseda to unload the truck.  [yawn]

We get up there to discover the gate clicker does not work.........at all..........on either of the 2 gates.  FUCK!!! 
We finally got inside thanks to the on-site maintenance worker loaning his gate clicker.  Eric parked kai-wai, thanks to the trailer that his car was on.  We got the truck unloaded and did not break anything, with the exception of one fingernail.  Yay.

We attempted to leave a couple hours later to go return the truck, but I had to run to the leasing office to borrow a gate clicker to get OUT of the lot through the side gate.  We finally leave.

We arrived at the Carson/Western U-Haul, only to be told that their truck lot was full and could not take the truck.  We were directed to go to the Hawthorne/PCH U-Haul.  We arrived only to be told that their lot was also full.  By this point we were both QUITE frazzled and irritated, not to mention sweaty, grimy and in general need of a shower.  We were told to go to the Rosecranz/Van Ness U-Haul, where we were guaranteed a spot.  [I should add that by then we were both almost ready to kill something if the 3rd lot was full...] 

It was particularly entertaining by this point, as the guy who met us in the lot had a sense of humor and had to walk Eric step-by-step through how to take his car off the automotive trailer. 
He also thought the car was mine and Eric was my husband, which made us both laugh the rest of the day. 

So, the truck was dropped off [finally!] and we headed back to my Torrance studio to find Anne.  We went inside and grabbed water, then started moving out the boxes I had packed.  Kevin showed up not long after and we got all the boxes cleared out and we three intrepid movers headed out northward on the traffic-laden 405 freeway to get up to the 101.

Eric and I got inside while Anne and Kevin parked outside on the side street and started to walk in boxes of my stuff.  By now I was almost ready to die from the combination of lack of sleep, lack of decent food and borderline migraine. 
I felt kinda bad about not bringing in my own boxes, but Anne handed me a Tiger’s milk powerbar, a couple of Excedrin and she and Kevin both said I already had the lion’s share of work just in unpacking and that it was more important that I rest for the time being.  Anne had to leave shortly after to get back home for dinner and Kevin took Eric and myself out for dinner at Black Angus, where Eric decided to only have the bread.  [silly boy, after nearly 45 hours of being awake......] 

Suffice it to say, we both beat feet to the shower, showered, then promptly collapsed into bed.  In hindsight, it went well, my back didn’t go out, I didn’t faint and nothing major broke.  WOOT!!

Part 2 is clearing out the rest of my Torrance studio and moving MY furniture out, which will happen thursday.  The rest of the week will be spent unpacking and organizing.   WHEW!!   


Official!
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina
 

Ok peeps.  It's official.

Eric and I have an apartment.  Yeah, I'm a little shocked too at how fast it's coming up but I'm so excited!

It's a sweet little one bedroom with a pretty good amount of floorspace off Reseda blvd. in the San Fernando Valley.  What's funny is it's a hop, skip and jump from where I used to live in Tarzana when I moved out of the Valley at 12.  HAH!!  Serious trippage down memory lane!

Anyway, the official moving date is March 30th.  WOOT!!!!  


My writings
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina

I have actually attempted poetry and prose once again and so far I'm suceeding admirably.  =)
These two are cross-posted from my myspace blog.

2-20
***************************
Difference
-----------
Blessed are the unreasonable,
the black sheep,
the outcasts......... for having the spine to shrug off the binding labels society's rules place upon them.

I refuse to feel ashamed for NOT
b
  e
    n
     d
        i
         n
           g
and
      conforming to the one-dimensional, when my spirit runs hot and deep

Why must I limit myself to what is easily recognizable to simpletons?
Why must I be only ONE facet, ONE personality, ONE persona,

so shallow and unimaginative when there are infinite parts to play in this theater called Life?

I am all and yet one, still me but as adaptable as water seeking it's own level.
One cannot judge that.

and

2-22
****************************
Walking between realities
--------
I am a creator, birthing ideas to here from elsewhere.
I am an artist, the conduit between the creative planes of existence.

I walk b
           e
           t
          w
           e
           e
           n realities and bring to the light that which does not exist within this realm.
Mother of ideas, I am midwife to the creative force that pervades each cell of my being, harmonizing with the energy around me and manifesting my visions to this reality.

Each smudge of lead and broken pencil tip brings me closer to perfection.

~A~
2008


A bit of prose I wrote tonight
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina
 

A scent… a thought…a feeling flows… me but not me… I shift…

 

Kitty scratches at the inside cage of my skin.  She's restless, wants out, to hunt.

I feel claws igniting my nerves, sharpening senses and adrenalin runs.

 

Kitty sits looking out my eyes.  My skin ripples under the astral fur and is pulled taut as whiskers twitch and a red coppery scent greets her nose, or is it lust?

Kitty crawls across the bed to my mate… her growl escapes my lips as I catch his scent… spicy and hot, promising many things and electrifying the slightest of touch of fang and claw.

 

Need and want ripple and blend, crackling the air and distorting third sight… energy builds and spills and builds again, fiery and red…

 

At fever pitch in the mating dance, Kitty is out, my hair on end as her fur stands. Desire spills out of me, heat for heat, matching his with every stroke.  My teeth sink gently into my mate's neck, her fangs parting muscle, yet leaving no wounds.  

 

Kitty recedes quietly to the recesses of my astral unconscious.  She is sated as I collapse next to my mate, spent… and we sleep.

 

Sleep… until next I shift…

 

[bows] 


Teh weirdness... it followz me
moody, broody, sad, weird
ladyalastrina

I've been in a weird headspace all day because of what I did last night.  The fact I am the only one in my department right now really doesn't help.
I felt mostly calm, but a little depressed and nearly on the verge of tears, yet there was nothing to cry about and I just couldn't muster the energy to do that.  I went for a bike ride up to the market instead and got a container of salt.

Tom was waiting when I got home and he talked about Alecia's latest stunt and how much it bothered him.
I really don't think he's going to get a therapist at this point until A is out of his life, whether by moving out or otherwise.  Ugh... he's really constraining me some days.

I'm glad I'll be going to Vegas this weekend.  I could seriously use the time away.  I'll be going back again at the end of the month to spend a week with my sweetie.  I am really overdue for a vacation.


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